This Post is Brought to You by Inordinate Amounts of Coffee

Once again, my normal posting schedule has been thwarted by the evil, conniving, cold hearted beast that is my job.

Beware, job. You will get what is coming to you. I will have my revenge and I will seek these missing moments of my life back!

I may be small, but I am RUTHLESS!

(Aaaaaand. I've lost my mind.)

Anyrambles, seeing as how I can't produce a damn thing worth reading as this juncture, I will direct you to some pretty fantastic people that can.

If you are not on this list, I apologize. These are really just a snippet of the blogs I follow and the ones I honestly look forward to reading everyday.

***

Amy is a girl I met in my first year of undergrad and desperately wish would have gotten to know better. She's an excellent writer and has an awesome sarcastic sense of humor. She also will probably hate me for doing this, but you should all go check out her little corner, Bookends.

Kate has a very unique style of blogging that I love. As she reveals stories from her life, she only exposes a small amount at a time; leaving the ends of her blogs with the ever feared and often loathed "...to be continued." But the girl pulls it off. Follow her along the path to find the Perfect 10.

Mandy is a one big Funfetti cupcake made of snark and spice and everything hysterical. When she isn't making people pee their pants on her blog, she is the Relationship Angst Examiner for Detroit (ROCK CITYYYYY!!!!*) Her handle also happens to be the #3 search term of people who end up here.

Just A Girl is one of my favorite people. Ever. Sadly the evil, conniving, cold hearted beast that is her job just recently has thwarted her from social media in its entirety while she is at work. However, her blog, Dramatic Sigh, is still magnificent. Especially if you love all that can be inappropriate and ridiculous.

MJenks. I'm sure most of you know him so I am not going to explain him. I don't think I could if I tried, anyway. He recently moved his corner of the internets to Vita Brevis.

Carissa is honestly one of the funniest people I know. Her TMIs are always priceless and I can count on her blog to put a smile on my face no matter how much my fellow employees hate me.

And TheOddDuckling? He's just plain awesome. I mean... he's a teacher. And he loves french toast. And he wrote about 90s cartoons today.

... there are so many more blogs I want to direct you to, but my clever quota is on E. So if these bitches don't entertain you enough then scroll on down to my blog roll and check those hookers out.

* Sorry. I had to do it.

Waste of a Post

Guess what? I had an awesome post all cooked up and golden brown in my head for today. It was inspired by Love Harder and I was uber excited to publish it.

Then I had a super shitty day yesterday. And I couldn't cure it with chocolate and copious amounts of cherry coke like I normally do because God won't let me. So I'm taking out my frustration on you guys.

Really... I'm sorry.

Here's a super adorable video to prove it:

This is how I felt yesterday.

And since I'm not cool and I don't live in DC and will not be attending the post -snowpocolpyse DC Happy Hour tonight, I am competing in Beerlympics with the authors from We Heart Cookie Dough on Team Scotland. Ridiculous pictures, stories, and possibly videos to come next week.

Happy Friday Hookers!

I'm callin' you out.

For those of you who are not using Google Analytics, you need to be. Not only is it an awesome way to see just where your blog falls in the big, bad world of the internet, it gives you a really deep look into your readers. (It is also an endless source of entertainment.)

I know you guys know all about me and some of my most horrific, terrifying, and embarrassing moments… but just who the hell are you?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, while blogger tells me I have 61 followers, Google Analytics tells me over 100 people read my blog on a peak day.

While I knew most of you were from the United States, I had no idea you hailed from all but one of them (No one cares about South Dakota anyway.) Nor did I realize you represented 492 different cities

I never even imagined you international readers went beyond Canada and the UK to reach places like Australia, Singapore, Malaysia, Norway, Slovenia, Croatia, and over 50 other countries.

Most of you use Firefox when reading my blog. Others prefer Internet Explorer, Safari, and Chrome. One of you even used a Playstation 3. (WTF?)

For those of you who found me using Google search, the keywords you used mostly are related to tattoos and fish bowls (My favorite of which was “bad ass fish tattoos”) But a couple other gems are “pissing in swimmin “, “jeneys boobs“, “tamponpanty “ and “jeney movie porn.” There were also about seven of them that had to do with shitting/pooping your pants.

I was also shocked to see how many searches were actually for my blog or my name directly.

Most of you seemed to have found me through LiLu’s TMI Thursdays, while others stumbled over from MJenks’, JAG’s, Ben's, and Carrissa's pads. A couple of you are even creepy enough to follow me on Twitter or my feeds on Facebook.

So now that I have an idea of who you hooligans really are, come out of the woodwork already (Especially you people from Dilworth, MN… you’re like 10 minutes away!) I am declaring this an unofficial de-lurker day.*

Comment and tell me more about you! If you’re uncomfortable with going public (I would be too, don’t be ashamed), go ahead and e-mail me at jeney (dot) anderson (at) gmail (dot) com.

I promise I don’t bite.

I just drool a lot.

* But that doesn't give you jerks who comment regularly a free pass.

Post It Note Tuesday: Fattie Gras

So today is Mardi Gras. A day of full Paczki's, colorful beads, boobies, and cakes with plastic figurines of babes in them.

But for those of you who are members of the Catholic Church, or as I like to call it - The Life of Eternal Guilt today is the last day before you attempt to give up something that you typically cannot go without for an entire 40 days of absolute hell to better yourself and bring you closer to your Lord and savior Jesus Christ.

Or something like that...

Today's Post It Note Tuesday will honor the top five things I will never try to give up again and the top five things I wish were acceptable enough to give up.

On the 'Never attempting to give up EVER AGAIN' list:

As for the 'My mother would give me the stank eye if I gave these up' list:

Happy Fat Tuesday Bitches!!

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

This weekend, roughly eighty seven percent of the people I know will be exchanging absurdly expensive velvet boxes of candy, annoying stuffed members of the animal kingdom, and ridiculous displays of foliage all while making me want to vomit. all. day.

No, really. It’s not that big of a deal.

It’s fine that the only flowers I have ever received on National Schmoopsie Poo Day were from the boyfriend who ended up dumping me as I was getting in the car to leave for college and my father when I was in my twenties.

It doesn't even matter that I have to buy myself those absurdly expensive velvet boxes of candy.

I really don’t even care that I have had a super sexy little hot pink teddy in the back of my closet for the past five years with no one to wear it for.

And I don’t even like jewelry, anyway.

(Me? Bitter? Never.)

Because my hatred of Valentine's Day does not stem from always being single on February 14th. Oh no, no, no. Not this girl. No-sir-ee-bobby! I can't believe I just typed that.

Back when I was a wee tike in grade school, if we were going to bring Valentines for someone we had to bring one for everyone in the class. We even made card receptacles out of paper bags and construction paper during class for this shenanigan of a holiday.

I know what you are thinking. And, no, I did not get shafted on my Valentines like Gretchen Weiners. My pain and suffering runs far deeper than that.

You see, when I was in the fourth grade I had a huge crush on a boy. Let's call him Mr. Meanie Pants. Because I'm mature like that.

I boldly decided to ask Mr. Meanie Pants to be my Valentine. And at the tender age of nine, I had devised a very discrete and devious way of doing so without the embarrassment of the whole class knowing about my crush.

I wrote him a note that I felt was so poetic and heartfelt I almost didn't give it to him. It read:

Clever, huh?

I slipped the note into his Valentine before I popped it into his scarcely decorated Valentine bag.

Now all I had to do was wait... and I didn't have to wait long.

Mr. Meanie pants did not circle yes. He didn't circle no. Hell, he didn't even just ignore it and pretend I never gave it to him to begin with.

Rather, he felt it was necessary to laugh boisterously about the note. Then he read it to his band of hoodlum friends. After they got a good snort and chuckle out of it, the other twelve ten-year-olds in the class wanted to know what was so funny.

He then announced to the entire class that he, Mr. Meanie Pants, would, in fact, NEVER be my Valentine. After his proclamation, he proceeded to savagely rip my note apart and throw it on the ground.

Who has two thumbs and despises Singles Awareness Day?

This fucking girl.

(I have just realized that the fourth grade was quite possibly the most mortifying and traumatic year of my life.)