I'm Just Sayin' - Single and Not Minding It

I am chronically single; and frankly I don’t mind it. Okay, so I piss and moan and gripe about it a lot. I’m always making wild proclamations like, “I want a boyfriend” or “I’m sick of being alone.” But in all honesty I think this is code for, “I need to get laid.”

However, my family has different ideas for me. You see, not only am I the oldest child on my mom’s side of the family - I am the only sister, daughter, granddaughter, and niece. I also happen to be one of only two girls on my dad’s side of the family. (That one female cousin is half Korean and absolutely gorgeous; no one worries about her.) Considering Little Shit is not of age to be considering marriage, one would think Smyles would share in the pressure I bear. Well, lucky for him, he’s gay. So unless they legalize gay marriage in Wisconsin, no one is going to give him any grief.

As a result of these unfortunate circumstances – it is apparently up to me to get hitched and reproduce before the Grandparents kick it and my mother loses her mind over all three of her children moving out.

So my family has developed this incredibly irritating habit of trying to set me up on dates. Besides the fact that this shouldn’t happen in the first place - the most exasperating part is this odd trend of these gentlemen being absolute and complete losers. I don’t mean the “Jeney's-just-too-picky” kind of losers. I mean the “They-dropped-out-of-high-school-got-into-drugs-only-work-seasonally-may-or-may-not-have-several-illigitimate-children-and-an-STD” kind of losers.

Dub-ya-tee-eff, family? Aren’t you supposed to want me to date men like Matthew McConaughey? Are you thinking since I’m on a pretty straight path in life, I’ll whip these boys into shape to get them back on track? Fuck that! Life is way too short for me to be one of their 12 steps.

Next time you think about hooking me up with someone he better be a doctor, lawyer, rock star, or Christian Bale or I’m not having it.

I’m just sayin’.