We make the Osbournes look like the Brady Bunch.

So. Ummm… yeah. I know we kinda just started sorta doing this relationship thing, but, ummm… I really like you. And I want us to get to know each other better. So I figured it was time for you to meet the wackos I spent eighteen years of my life with -- my family.

I am the oldest of three children in my family born to a hippie who would skip class to smoke weed and a burn-out who never graduated high school. I also happen to be the shortest and the most picked on. The only perks I got to being the oldest was being able to do everything first. (So, HA!)

I also happen to be the only person in my family that does not have a name that starts with the letter "L". To top it all off, I constantly have to explain why I spell my name "funny". Thanks, Mom and Dad. You're the best!

Anyway, let me introduce you to my pain in the ass lovely family.

Luke and Laura; “The Soap-Opera Parents”

I’m going to use nick-names for my brothers. However, Luke and Laura are my parents' real names. Why am I telling you this? Because when my parents began dating Luke and Laura from General Hospital got married. To this day when they introduce themselves to a new person, about seven times out of ten said person will exclaim “Oh! Like from General Hospital?!” They hate it. At least my name isn't "Lulu". (Although that does start with an "L".)

My mother was what she called a “free spirit” in her adolescence. She graduated high school, but not without her fair share of participating in acts of the Dark Side of the Rainbow (if you catch my drift…). She was born in February 15th and was litterally hours away from being named "Valetina"

My dad thought he was a bad-ass when he was a kid… and never grew out of it. I tend to bond with my Dad more than my Mom due to a similar sense of humor. We also share a deep love of beer and pizza. He was born on April 13th and never fails to take a sick day if it falls on a Friday. (He thinks he's clever, too)

My parents were married in May of 1985. I was born in October of 1985. You do the math. I thank the stars every night that they are still together. I know how lucky I am.

Smyles; “The Awkward Middle Child”

Smyles is huge. No, seriously. While yours truly is a mere 5’2“ and weighs in at a whopping 125lbs. This kid is 6’4” and hits the scales at 280 lbs. Ginormous. He was born on Groundhog Day. I've never had a chance to ask him if he ever had to re-live his birthday over and over and over and over... (Okay, I know that was lame. Give me a break.)


However, he also happens to be one of those “gentle giants” that never really raises his voice or gets angry at anything. While he is 22, still lives at home, is a bit socially awkward, and spends 98% of his time playing adventure video games, watching amine, and collecting samurai swords -- he’s a pretty good kid.

He “came out of the closet” (I hate that phrase…) about 3 years ago and I still seem to be the only one in my family that doesn’t think he's become a leper. I hope my family can get over their idiocy.

Little Shit; “The Baby Brother”

I call him “Little Shit” because to me he will always and forever be that sweet twelve year old in my head (I still have a heart he colored in the 4th grade that said “Something I will love forever is… my sister Jeney.”) Unfortunately for me he has morphed into this 18 year old fuck-o who is way too cocky for his own good.

He will graduate high school next year (Holy SHIT!) and wants to be a car mechanic. I think he’ll do great -- if he can lay off the ganja for a while. That kid parties harder than I did in college. He’ll be lucky to have a liver when he’s my age.

He’s also been dating the same hoe-bag for five years now and needs to jump on a different horse already

Well, I hope I didn’t move things along too fast for you. I didn’t want to make things awkward in our budding relationship… but my family is important to me (as messed up as they are). I wanted to share them with you.

Wait... where are you going?

Are we still on for dinner this weekend?

Call me!!!!