Friday, January 8, 2010

One Word: Absurd

It should be no mystery to you that I loathe winter. Though I have spent my entire twenty-something years in the Midwest, I will never get used to my nose hairs freezing when I walk outside, every shortcut I have anywhere being blocked by mountains of snow, or moronic drivers who never remember that ice is slippery.

Winters sucked in Northern Indiana. The lake effect snow and yo-yo temperatures drove me up a wall. I honestly thought that nothing could be worse.

Then I moved to Fargo, North Dakota.

I really should have anticipated the shitacularness of winters out here when it was 28 degrees and snowing on my birthday. But, seriously? Holy freezing balls Batman!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have had about two feet of snow dump on us since Christmas and it can't melt away because the temperature has not been above freezing in damn near three weeks. *

There are piles of snow in the parking lots (from plowing) that I could train for the Winter X-Games on. The drifts are up to four feet now as well.

I have yet to see any lines that have been painted on the roads to direct traffic because it's so cold even salting is useless.

While all of this royally, completely, and entirely sucks in every possible way... the winter storm advisory straw that broke my the camels back came last night.

Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? You might want to. I'm serious.

The wind chill index last night was negative 45 degrees. The temperature was in the area of negative 14 to begin with. This means that if I were to walk outside the air that would have hit my skin was almost negative 60 degrees.

My dearest friends... the phrase, "When hell freezes over," is entirely inaccurate. Why? Because I happen to currently be living there and is has ALWAYS been effin frozen!

*Do keep in mind that I do mean the actual temperature... not the "feels like" temperature.

8 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

At what temperature do bananas freeze so hard you can use them as hammers?

I miss the cold and the snow. THAT kind of cold and snow...not so much.

Ed Adams said...

That's cold!

Here in lovely Indiana, it's a respectable 20 degrees with 6 inches of snow on the ground.

As for nose hairs, I find that braiding them works best at keeping them from freezing. Something about warmth in numbers.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Here I am feeling sorry for myself in Louisville, Kentucky with about three inches of the white devil on the ground and slippery slopes which some call "the roads in my neighborhood."

Yeah, I'm gonna stop whinin about it after reading your post.

Jeney Peney said...

@mjenks I am sure I could have used any piece of fruit or vegetable yesterday. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone... not even Pete Carroll.

@Ed If it was 20 degrees out here I might sunbathe.

@Amber Haha! I have a friend in Las Vagas who was complaining about 50 degree weather a few weeks ago. At least you have snow!

Hammen said...

Hahaha is this your first winter living in North Dakota? I grew up in Grand Forks, and got the hell out as soon as college was done. Pretty much entirely because of winter. It just breaks your spirit. That snow will be on the ground until late April. Give or take a couple weeks.

Jeney Peney said...

@Hammen It is... I knew it was going to suck when I moved here. But I guess my excitement over getting a new gig clouded my judgment. I will be out as soon as I get my Masters!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Ugh. My mom keeps sending me emails and facebook comments about how cold it is there and how much snow they have (in Indiana).

I wonder if I could find her a nursing home in Fargo or Grand Forks to shove her into for a year or two. Maybe then I'll stop hearing it.

Sorry, wishful thinking aloud there.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Here I am feeling sorry for myself in Louisville, Kentucky with about three inches of the white devil on the ground and slippery slopes which some call "the roads in my neighborhood."

Yeah, I'm gonna stop whinin about it after reading your post.